ChickaChickaWahWah! Chicken

Falafel and Honey Mustard Encrusted Chicken Strips


Imagine: a chicken strip so sweet and crunchy that you can see a world full of dancing pieces in your dreams. That happened to me with this. Really.

Ok... not really. But I did have a dream about dancing cheese once. And this recipe is still fucking good AND super simple! 

Ingredients:
- 1/4 a bottle of honey mustard salad dressing
- about 3/4 a cup of falafel mix
- boneless skinless chicken, cut up into short strips or large cubes


Set oven at 400 degrees fahrenheit. Prepare a baking sheet with olive oil and set aside. 


In a large plastic bag, such as a large ziplock, place strips of chicken and honey mustard dressing. Shake until the strips are fully coated.


pour falafel mix into a small bowl. Take honey mustard coated chicken strips out of the bag and bread with the falafel mix. Place on prepared baking sheet so that chicken does not overlap. Repeat until you have a GIANT MOUND OF MEDITERRANEAN NOM NOM. 


Allow breaded chicken to sit on the counter for about 10-15 minutes. This will give the falafel mix time to soak up some of the dressing so you won't be eating gross raw chickpeas.

Place in oven for 20-25 minutes, or until insides are fully cooked.

Devour those mofo's like there's no tomorrow. Then tell them 

I bet those monkeys would have played nice if you had spent less time on your hair and made them a piece of this chicken, PETE WENTZ.
Also, let's talk about Kim Kardashian for a second. In 2007 she was in this Fall Out Boy Video as a bimbo whore, and in 2012 she's going to have Kanye's babies. Has she risen or fallen? I really don't know.


This is pretty much the cheapest and most delicious way to make this meal. If you're thinking to yourself, "but I was really looking forward to a meal I could spend hours and hours making the broke way!", spend the extra time you would have spent on this recipe chilling the FUCK out and watch an episode of 30 Rock (an old season, the new ones suck) while eating a big bowl of these. You'll thank me later. 

The Lazy Girl's BBQ Sandwich

So, are you really really hungry but feeling wayyyyy too lazy to ACTUALLY make something? Maybe you have been studying your brains out all day. Maybe it's a Tuesday morning and you spent all night at a bar getting cheap drinks. Maybe you decided today that you life sucks and it's 5 pm and you still haven't left the apartment. Whatever. I don't judge. Those are all the reasons why I made this for lunch a few days ago.


Ingredients:

Sliced turkey
1 or 2 eggs
piece of toast
a lil bit of shredded cheese
A few squirts of BBQ sauce
a few dashed of basil
a dash of olive oil
a few dashes of cayenne if you're feelin spicy.

Don't let Yu-Gi-Oh do it! Scramble your eggs in a bowl, but do not cook them yet. Set aside. 


Place a medium sized pan on medium heat. Add a dash of olive oil and wait a few minutes for the pan to heat up.


While you are waiting, begin toasting your bread, or bagel, or whatever other mass of carbohydrates you are going to reward your body with today. 


Slice, or pick apart with your fingers, the turkey into medium pieces, about the size of two or your fingers. Or about the size of half the iPhone you're using right now to tell your mom your ACTUALLY cooking for yourself!


Place turkey in pan, along with a few squirts of bbq sauce, basil, and cayenne if you so choose. 


Sautee in pan for about 3 minutes. When edges look slightly crispy and golden brown, push to one side of the pan so that it covers no more than half the surface area. 


Place your scrambled eggs on the other side of the pan, next to the cooked turkey. 


With a spatula, continue moving the eggs, on THEIR SIDE. Once eggs are almost fully scrambled, but still a tad mushy, squirt in some bbq and mix everything together. 

POP! Your toast is done! Wow! Great timing! You're awesome! Wanna bang later?


Place turkey and eggs on top of toast, maybe followed by some shredded cheese if you're rich enough. The nacho cheese dip left over from last night's study session that turned into a "let's drink wine" session will do. 

Eat it. 


Or, if you're me, accidentally drop the whole fucking thing on your barely swept floor, grieve on your knees for a few seconds, and make yourself another one. 

S&M Whipped Cream

Wait, did I just read what I think I read?! S&M whipped cream? What does that even mean? Do I have to own a whip to eat this?


Absolutely not, but it's recommended. This Sugar and Mango whipped cream is as great as sadism and masochism is to a sadist and masochist. Next time you have that as a theme to your party you should totally whip up a batch of this (pun completely intended).

Here are the Ingredients
- heavy whipping cream
- vanilla
- mango juice, or the fruit as a whole
- powdered sugar

and if you're not broke, some 
-lemon
-ginger

Appliances
- hand mixer, unless you want to do a little S&M, but not the good kind, on your arm muscles.

Here are the steps
- pour as much heavy whipping cream as you want into a large bowl. Remember, it will fluff up to about 2/3 the size.
- whip with a hand mixer on a medium setting for about 5-7 minutes. Once the whipped cream is at it's climax (normal people call this 'peaking'), you can begin to add  your other ingredients. Whipped creme climaxes when it is no longer liquid AT ALL and, if you lift the mixer straight up from the bowl, the cream creates something that kind of looks like a mountain's peak.
- Add some powdered sugar, vanilla, ginger, and mango juice. You can add any of these ingredients, or none of them. It's however YOU want your whipped cream to taste. Just make sure not to put TOO much mango juice in or your whipped cream's climax won't amount to anything and everything will turn to mush. Add a little at a time, then whip until the juice is fully incorporated into the cream. Then, add some more!


You're done! Take a shot! Smoke a cig! Maybe buy some spandex and do this!

Ohh la la. What a creamy explosion!

Goes great on cupcakes, in crepes, in some coffee, on your boyfriend, on MY boyfriend, whatever.

Shown with Mediterranean Crepes a la Crunk

Hello Jello Tie-Dye Cupcakeroos

The finished product! You want it. I can see it in your eyes.

Let's be honest- tie-dye made everything taste better when we were 5, and it still makes everything taste better today. There's just something about a food having color that brings it to a whole new level. So, although you could totally make plain old regular tan cupcakes, wouldn't you rather expose your pallet and vision to an explosion of color and flavor? You know you want to.


Ingredients:


- 1 box of white or yellow cake mix
- 1 cup of water
- 3 eggs
- 1/2 cup of canola oil

OR

• - 1 cup white sugar
• - 1/2 cup butter
• - 2 eggs
• - 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• - 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• - 1 3/4 teaspoons baking powder
• - 1/2 cup milk
• 
  
• AND
• 
  

- 1/4 packet of three different colors of jello, whatever you want! You could even go patriotic on everyone's ass, buy blue and red, and try to send some to Obama. I'll try and put in a good word for you.
- food coloring

Healthy replacement for jello
- three different types of berries or bananas, 1 cup each
- 2/3 cup of water for each set of berries
-1/4 cup of sugar for each set of berries

Appliances
-hand mixer (nice but not completely necessary)


Here are the steps


After mixing together the cake mix with everything that is on the back of the box, or, if you're bored creating your own cake batter, separate the mix into three small bowls. We have placed the ingredients for creating your own cake batter above, but I literally copied and pasted it from allrecipies.com. So, look there for the instructions. I don't care what kind of cake you make! I'm in college, call you mom if you're freaking out about having too much responsibility with this recipe.

Pour 1/4 of a packet of a different color jello into each of the three small bowls. If you do not think the batter has enough color, add some food coloring, NOT more jello mix. Too much of that will make your cake taste like the sarcophagus of a woodland fairy.

If jello is a little too scary for you to eat, because yes, it did used to be made out of horses hooves, you can make something very similar with a homemade fruit syrup. The ingredients are above, and here are the simple instructions. If you're feeling really bored, do both. Cut the amount of jello you would have put in the recipe in half and use half of the fruit syrup in it's place. 


Place one of the berries, let's say strawberries for this example, into a pot with 2/3 cup of boiling water. Once the berries have soaked for a few minutes, begin mashing them. Once the berries are extremely mushy, allow to thicken and boil for about 15 minutes. Bask in the smells of success.


Strain the mixture, discarding all of the skins. 


Place mixture into a pot again, this time adding the sugar and possibly a little bit of lemon. Put on high, for the mixture to quickly thicken. 


Allow to cool and repeat with two other sets of berries. 


Mix one into each of the three bowls of batter. You probably will not have to use the entire mixture, save some to put on top of ice cream and waffles!

Batter with lime jello and a little bit of green food coloring.

In cupcake tins, or in PAM sprayed or butter rubbed metal cupcake pans, place a few dollops of each color batter. After filling the tins or tray a little over halfway (it will expand, so not too much!), take a toothpick, or knife, or end of a bobby pin, and slightly swirl the batter.

Pop them in the oven at 350 for about 20 minutes.


Celebrate by singing thing song as an ode to the tasty fruity delights you just whipped up.

After taking them out of the oven, allow to cool. If you're in a rush or just extremely impatient like me, you can stick them in the freezer for about 10 minutes and the cupcakes will cool in a fraction of the time.

Top with whipped cream, frosting, fruit, caramel, chocolate, or anything else sweet and legal (definition of "legal' is up to the creator).


Goes great with our mango whipped cream frosting, shown below.

Mediterranean Crepes a la Crunk

If you've never had a crepe before, there is no excuse after this post. These things are EASY, CHEAP, and a lil SPICY, just how I like my men. And yes, that is my finger in the bottom right hand corner of this picture.

Bored=Blue

Broke=Red

Healthy=Green

For ALL recipes=White

Here are the ingredients


- 2 eggs
- 1 cup of milk
- 1/2 cup flour
- 3 tablespoons of melted butter
- 1 tsp of olive oil
- chopped, wilted spinach
- sundried tomatoes
- feta cheese
OR
- pesto

a few dashes of
- salt
- gahram masala
- ground or thinly diced ginger
- curry powder
- basil
-vanilla

Appliances
- electric mixer (If you don't have one, find a wire whisk and get ready to use those masturbation muscles)


Here are the steps


Mix together the eggs, milk,  and flour until everything has the consistency of semen.

If you are too poor for butter, replace it with Country Style Spread. You know, those huge brown tubs that are 2 dollars at the grocery store. Just use less milk, about 3/4 a cup instead of 1. 

Melt the butter in the microwave for about 20 seconds and then, USING YOUR SLEEVE OR SHIRT OR SOMETHING, pick up the bowl of butter and give it to the large bowl as a sacrifice for the yummy gods. Mix everything together with whisk.


After wilting the spinach in olive oil and salt in a covered pan for about 4 minutes, allow time to cool before chopping up into teeny tiny pieces. Chop up the sun dried tomatoes, feta cheese, or anything else you think might taste good and throw those suckers in to the batter. 
Add a little more olive oil and whisk.. Add each of the spices, however much you want. These recipes are not rules, I'm not your mom, you can make crepes however the fuck you please. If you like super spicy crepes, put in a lot of curry, if you like super sweet crepes put in a lot of ginger. Too poor for ginger? Put in a half spoonful of brown or white sugar. Just don't be an idiot and pour the WHOLE thing in. Crepes are a solid base for a meal so don't let the seasoning of the crepe overpower anything that is going inside of it.


After you season your crepe batter, place in the fridge for about half an hour. Dance and sing to this song using the whisk as a microphone while you are waiting because you are badass for making crepes and you deserve it.

After twenty minutes (or earlier if you're really hungry, by putting it in the fridge you are giving the air bubbles time to pop, making it easier to make crepes that will not fall apart while being cooked), place a small pan on medium over your burner. Melt just a liiitttllleeee bit of butter on the pan, swirling it around to cover at least 1/4 of the pan.


If you don't have any butter to toss around the pan, substitute with canola oil or country style spread. Or, if you're too poor for even that, don't use anything at all (as long as you are using a nonstick pan).


Put a dollop of crepe batter the size of an Otis Spunkemeyer cookie on top of the pan. This dollop should be no bigger than 1/3 of the pan. You then take this dollop, pick up the pan, and swirl it around so that it creates a thin layer of batter.


Allow that to cook for about 2 minutes, or until the edges look a lil crispy. You can test it by trying to pick up the edge with a fork. If you can lift it up without breaking, you can flip the crepe.


Allow the other side to cook for two minutes. No need to put more butter on the pan. Once the crepe looks like a crepe and not just a bunch of thick milk, take it of off the pan with a fork or tongs and place it on a plate. If you don't know what a crepe looks like... google it.
Rinse and repeat, minus the rinse.


Dance, cause you just made a fucking crepe!


Here's what it might look like paired with some falafel, hummus, spinach, lemon, tatziki and grilled peppers.

And HERE'S what it might look like paired with some orgasmic homemade mango and vanilla whipped cream, blueberries, and banana chips. That recipe is coming soon!

Holla' Back Hummous

This recipe goes along with the Mediterranean Crepe, Falafel, Tzatziki, and Curry grilled Peppers recipe to make the
Happy Holidaze Dinner.

Bored=Blue

Broke=Red

Healthy=Green

For ALL recipes=White

You will need...

-one can of garbanzo beans
-a lemon
- 3/4 pepper, any color 
- 3 tbsp olive oil
-1/4 cup tahini
-1/4 of a grilled onion
- 1/4 cup of salsa

a lil' bit a
- curry powder
- ground or fresh ginger
- gahram masala
- salt
- garlic
- pepper
- worcestershire sauce

Appliances
- food processor, magic bullet, or that blender you made margaritas in last night

STEPS

This first step is only for the BORED recipe (but it's the most delicious!)


Put a pan on HIGH HEAT and coat the bottom lightly with olive oil. When the pan starts to sizzle, throw on your sliced peppers and onions and cover for about 2 minutes.


After two minutes, open the pan and turn peppers and onions then cook for another two minutes, until there is a black sear on both sides of the pepper and onions.


Set aside and begin with Garbanzo Beans.

FOR BORED: If you want super smooth hummus, shell your garbanzo beans (take off the little clear shells from the bean and chuck em'!) before putting them in the food processor. 

Drain Garbanzo Beans but reserve a fourth of the can's liquid. Pour beans into food processor. Add tahini, olive oil, garlic, lemon,  curry powder, salt, and pepper (add to taste/do whatever TASTES GOOD). 


The consistency should be fairly smooth but still a little grainy and wet. 
Chop up your sautéed inions and peppers into small pieces. I don't know exactly how small, use your own brain and figure it out for yourself. Add the onions, peppers and worcestershire sauce to the ground chickpea mixture. Too broke for veggies? Throw in 1/4 cup of salsa instead. 

If the consistency is TOO WET: Add more tahini with veggies or garbanzo beans.
If the consistency is TOO DRY: Add more olive oil, lemon juice, or garbanzo juice. 

Put in the fridge when done because it's most delicious cold. Serve with tortilla chips, toasted tortillas, baby carrots, Wonderbread or the Mediterranean crepe recipe I still need to write if you are TOO BROKE.

So, Holla’ Back Hommous is already SUPER healthy. But if you are a mountain girl like me living with a midwestern girl whose idea of healthy is deep-frying mushrooms in bread crumbs, then there a few things that we can do to make this recipe as healthy as possible. But seriously, only a few because this is a fucking HEALTHY recipe. First, add more veggies and lemon juice and garlic and less oil and tahini if you really want to be nit-picky and cut down. But the difference will be minimal so decide if you actually give a shit.  

Also, this is a pretty BROKE recipe. Buy a dollar can of garbanzo beans, a lemon, a jar of tahini that will last you like FOUR months. Seriously. All in all, this is at most, a six-dollar recipe but people, it’s delicious, it lasts, and it will make you super popular with your beer-slinging friends. So really, what you lose in money, you gain ten-fold in drunk. The picture shows how much hummus following this recipe once makes, and that's even after we ate a bunch of it. 

                                                                         Inspiration. 

Autobiography of Two Broke Chicks

We're just two college girls looking to have a good time.
In the KITCHEN. God, get your mind out of the gutter. This is not a sex blog (yet).
After moving to DC to attend American University, we quickly discovered this is a FUCKING expensive place to live. We can't afford to go out all the time! American is too far away from downtown to an affair with a senator. We also live in a ridiculously residential section of the city, and can't really knock on our neighbor's door if were looking for a hot place to go out.
So, to amuse ourselves, we decided to start cooking. Now, I'm not talking pussy shit like "kraft mac n cheese" or adding "a little bit of sriracha to our ramen noodles". We started taking big trips to the grocery store and stacking up on bulk meats, canned vegetables, spices and eggs. It was a tough initial investment, it was- so we did it in the beginning of the semester when our parents could buy it. These are the staples you NEED Bob and Nancy (what I'm guessing your parent's names are) to buy you to lead a Bored and Broke lifestyle. And you want to lead a Bored and Broke lifestyle.


Things that will last you a while... over a WHOLE year. You'll be eating this shit after the apocalypse.


-black beans in a can or in a bag
-apple sauce
-butter
-garbanzo beans in a can or in a bag
-BIG bag of onions
-canned corn
-canned diced tomatoes
-potatoes
-sriracha
-soy sauce
-garlic
-basil
-curry powder
-gahram masala
-flower
-rice, brown and white
-lentils
-olive oil
-canola oil
-cilantro
-pepper
-salt
-sugar
-brown sugar
-honey (steal it if you can't afford it)
-lemon juice
-bread (buy three loaves and freeze two, its worth it)
- buy BULK meats, at least 3 times larger than you would make for one meal, and freeze most of it after cutting it up into the sizes you will want when you cook it. Buy some glad freezer bags and freeze those babies up after pushing out all the air. I like buying it when it's on sale because you can save a SHIT TON of money and bask in the feeling that you cheated the store out of a few bucks.




Things that won't last you more than two weeks


-yogurt
-milk
-eggs
-vegetables (whatever you want, they're all great. You can also buy them when they're on sale, chop them up, and freeze them).


Appliances
- go to a thrift store (be a hipster for a second) and buy a 5 dollar crock pot. This will be the best investment of your LIFE. It's ok, you will be ridiculed by some. My mom made fun of me for two weeks. And then I made chili. Not to toot my own horn or anything but
Minds. Blown.
Toot toot.
- pan
-pot (both kinds) and maybe a BIIIIIIGGGGG pot that maybe keeps disappearing from your friend's apartment.
- blender or mini food processor. This includes the magic bullet.
- hand mixer. 7 bucks. Almost as great as the crock pot.
- big bowls
-baking sheet, brownie tin


Here is how we are going to give you the recipes. We'll give it to you straight up- ingredients on top, recipe on the bottom. BUT, at the same time, we're going to basically be giving you THREE recipes in one, because we're fucking awesome like that. We will give you
1) a BROKE version of the recipe, because even if you feel like you're rolling in dough, you should still try to save some money on the meal and spend it on better things, like vodka.
2)  a BORED version of the recipe, in case you feel like spending all day in your apartment just listening to some Pink Ffloyd and using your burner as a lighter.
3)  EATIN HEALTHY IS HIP, YO
Oh hey everyone. Let's talk about eating healthy. We are first going Paula Dean on you, and skipping the gluttony sin version of eating. It's going to be fucking delicious, no doubt. But, if some of you, like some of us, have some fucking shitty genes, then sometimes you don't have any choice but to eat healthy. Because I don't want to be my senile grandfather in sixty years. So, after the buttery, deep-fried, cream-filled, caramelized version of the recipes we make, we are gonna give you the stripped-down but more nutritious and equally as dank delicious as the first time version.


Alright, let's get started.